Death of an Addiction -- Day 0

Just reading the last blog that I wrote ... it has been interesting to travel down this path.  Interesting, frustrating, and exhilerating ... all at different point and different places.

Today I'm tired ... I can feel the weariness of this particular struggle in every part of me ... spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Can't say that I have a lot of strength left ... or even a lot of fight left in me ... the one thing I hold on to is hope ... and faith.  Hope ... because I know the Lord is guiding and leading me through this ... and faith ...because God is who He says that He is ... and He has never let me down.  He wouldn't guide me and give me hope all through this struggle ... if he weren't going to see it through and get me out of this.

Something significant happened last week ... reached a place where everything was just falling apart ... home, job, relationships, ministry ... everything was just plain nuts.  I left work on Wednesday evening ... and for an hour and a half I screamed at the Lord.  Wasn't mad at Him ... I was mad because I could not control anything.  And I do mean anything.  So for an hour and a half, I proceeded to list all the things that were not in my control.  What surprised me so much was how mad I was ... mad that I COULD NOT control all of these things.

Guess I wasn't as dependent on God as I thought.

After throwing my temper tantrum ... I went to the store ... got an R-rated movie (not my norm for a long time) ... and ordered this huge pizza from Domino's ... and proceeded to have one big pity party.  God wasn't ... and hadn't been talking to me for some time ... and I was mad.  Guiding me, yes, ... leading me, yes ... but not TALKING the way that I like him to talk.  He wasn't being the God that I wanted him to be ...

Someone had called and left me a voice mail message ... reminding me that the Lord had told us something specific before this season ever started ... "I hold you in my hands and I will not let you fall."

Somewhere during the movie and working on my 3rd or 4th slice of pizza ... I broke.  No more yelling ... no more anger ... just crying ... sad that I couldn't make God do what I wanted him to do.  Sometime during the evening it changed from sadness to horror.  Horror of what I saw in my own heart.

Pride.

The next morning ... still devastated ... I begged for some word from the Lord.  What he gave me was "Rejoice for great is your reward in heaven" ... I didn't get it.  (Now I get it ... my reward is in heaven ... it is Jesus ... who died and covered all of my sin.)

I got to work ... and I prayed before I got out of my car.  It was a prayer of complete submission and humility.  A place that I have never been before ... not like this.  At the end I added a request to deliver me from this addiction.

He did ...

For two hours I knew that he did ... and then I doubted.  Could this be real?  I've smoked for 30 years ... is it real?  It was ... but I panicked and I didn't hold on.

So what does all of this mean?  I don't know, quite honestly. 

Does that mean God will give up on me?  No way ... I may not be very faithful or obedient ... but He is always ... never changing.

For about a week now, I have stared into the depth of my heart ... looking through the Lord's eyes.  I was truly surprised and horrified to see the pride that existed ... the poison that has spread to all areas of my life.

I've admitted a few sins ... but pride was never on my list.  But I believe it has been the most deadly ... and the one that was the hardest to confess.  It has extended to all areas ... and the Lord only knows the extent of damage that it has caused to myself and others around me.

Still kind of licking my wounds over it ... it is hard to see the wickedness in your own heart ... but I know that I am forgiven ... this sin with all my others were already paid for.  My wounds are trivial compared to the wounds that were inflicted so that I could be healed.  Seeing what I have seen in my heart has changed me a little more...

The smoking?  Well, with pride out of the way ... maybe now the Lord can do something with me.  I don't know ... I only understand what God allows me to understand ... and I've come to the conclusion that God is God ... and I am not.  I can't control God ... and I don't want to figure Him out anymore.  As the fog is starting to clear ... I see that life can be a lot easier if I DON'T have to be in control.